


Descent Into Madness

by Kumquat_Master



Category: To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
Genre: Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 09:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18466474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kumquat_Master/pseuds/Kumquat_Master
Summary: After Nathan's Death, Arthur doesn't know what to do.





	Descent Into Madness

I am awoken by light streaming in from my dirt stained windows. I look around. My house is filthy, with dirt everywhere and bugs crawling up the walls. I look at the rotting mass of uneaten food in the corner and the rat’s nest under the kitchen sink.

It has been exactly 4 years, 6 months and 21 days since Nathan died. It has not been easy. I keep my sanity by carving things. Soap, wood, it doesn’t matter, as long as it gives me something to do with my hands and to keep my mind occupied. I used to watch Scout and Jem play in the street, when they still lived in Macomb. However, they moved away for college. They come back during the holidays, but they don’t frolic as they once did. Scout brings Dill now, these days. I think that they are engaged to be married.

No one really knows this, but I like to garden. I planted some tall, thin trees around my land to keep my much needed privacy. It has some flowers, ones that my mother used to like. Cannas, red and orange ones. I also have some other flowers, such as tulips, lavender and azaleas, which I stole from Miss Maudie.  
I only leave the house at night, when it is dark, so that no one can see me. I am terrified of being seen by another person. I don’t know why, but the thought fills me with unrelenting dread. I willingly put myself in the presence of those outside of my family only once, since The Incident, and it was the hardest decision of my life. Never again, I tell myself, never again.

As I contemplate my life, I think about what I have become. What once was a cheerful smiling boy, who occasionally could be known to make mischief, became a recluse, lurking from the shadows, spying on innocent children. I am a monster.

Everytime I close my eyes, I see it; The car hurtling down the street, at an impossible speed, just barely impacting my brother. However, it was enough. His head smashed against the pavement, and he was dead before anyone got to him. I still regret not rushing over to him, then, my fear holding me back. Why? Oh why did I not go to him, as I should have in his final moments? That mental image haunts me to this day.

The years after his death have been in a thick haze, with me just moving from one thing to the next, not really caring about what happens. I take in the food that was delivered by Mr. Finch, and I eat just enough to keep myself alive, as I don’t have much of an appetite anymore. The food started coming about a week after my brother’s death, as Mr. Finch knew that I would willingly starve myself instead of leaving my house during the day.

At every moment, I see him, in those fateful moments before the crash. Oblivious, and then sudden fear, as he became aware of his surroundings. It invades my thoughts, my dreams, my prayers. I cannot escape it. I just want it to stop.

That’s all I want, an end to my suffering. Make it stop. Make it stop. Please just make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP! All I want is RELEASE! Why oh WHY do I have to keep going THROUGH this EVERY! SINGLE! DAY‽  
I need a solution to this madness. So that I can finally make it end! I have only one idea. It is not pleasant, nor is it ideal, but it is the only way.

On March 15, 1941, Arthur “Boo” Radley committed suicide by hanging. He was not found for three days.


End file.
